"When he shall die take him and cut him out in little stars he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with the night...."

So, its been WAAAY too long since I've posted. I've had a really rough couple of weeks. I've become so fed up with my job that I'm currently looking for something new, and it feels like every day that I work, is an eternity.

Without anything to fall back on, I'm stuck working here till something better makes its way to my life. Being stuck doing this work has put a strain on other aspects of my life as well. Not being able to see my little girl is hard enough, but being in places with no cell service, being run off my feet busy, and collapsing from exhaustion when I get home without even eating or showering some days makes it really REALLY difficult to even call her! She thinks that it was the post she put up on valentines day that put doubts in my mind as to the viability of our relationship. However for the last few weeks I've come to the realization that I need to reassess my place in life, and also my place in the lives of others, including hers. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that if our relationship's success was based solely on the level at which we cared for each other, we'd probably last forever! However, I'm trying to be honest with myself, and I can't help but see that as hard as we are both going to try to make things work, I do see it not lasting.

God this is so unbelievably difficult to write, and I'm trying as hard as I can to not break down into uncontrollable sobbing, I already know stopping the tears from rolling down my cheeks is an exercise in futilely.

Now, if she decides that she wants to keep trying to make this work, I am more than willing. But, I cannot continue lying to myself or her that I believe its going to work. As badly as I want it to, will not make it so. I see a sunset to our time together on the horizon, and I hope she realizes I will continue to love her, even if things end.

I have tried to tell her how hard this is on me, and that I feel this way, but its just been too difficult to spit it out. I am not going to post this just yet, as I want her to hear my feelings from me, not from a Blog post.

"Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there."

- sarah dessen

P.s. I did call her, but the words won't come out. So I'm gonna press send and just get it over with.