Worries...

So, I'm not sure how to start this entry. It feels like I have so much to say, and no words to get it all out. I got to have a short chat with lil b today, and she kinda off hand mentioned that she's only ever seen me 3 times, and its been a month since we've started seeing each other. I could tell in her voice, she was down. I don't know if depressed is the right word, but sadness was there. It hurts me to know that its my fault she's feeling this way. We haven't had the chance to have a real talk about my work, and the fact that it keeps me away all the time. She did know about it, and she even mentioned once, that it might be a good thing we don't see each other all the time so she doesn't get the feeling of being smothered. It seemed like yesterday, when we talked about her running and her stop smoking plan, that everything was great, and she is genuinely excited to show me, and prove to herself that she has the inner strength to conquer some demons and reach some lofty goals she's set for herself.

I miss her so much, and if she feels like I do, I understand why sadness has crept into her. The only reason I've been able to keep it out, is the thought that I'll see her again soon.

The other part of this that worries me, is that, when she opened up to me about her past, and how difficult that was for her to do, she made me promise two things. One, that after that night, I wouldn't bring it up in conversation again. And two, that after, she would try and close up and pull away again. And I promised her that I wouldn't let that happen. I think, that may be happening now, and when we talked for that little while, she was pretty reluctant to tell me how she was feeling. I have a pretty good idea, tho.

Because lil b has difficulty communicating her feelings, and expressing her emotions to me verbally, I've been working on trying to understand her better by reading between the lines a bit. I still am going to be consistent in trying to teach her to open up, and we may need to have a conversation about this later, but that's a whole different conversation. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination at reading her, but I knew something was bothering her, and this seemed the most logical conclusion.

If I were to guess, I would say, she feels lonely. Lonely not only because I can't always be with her when she needs me, but also because I can't always be there on the phone. I think she feels this way because, I share those feelings. I hate that I have to do the job I do sometimes. I want her to feel cared for, to feel protected, to feel like she has me to be her support when she needs it, and that she has my full attention whenever and wherever she needs it. But the stresses and pressures of my career, keep me from being there whenever she needs me.

I want to tell her that I am going to keep on trying with everything I have, to be the best Dom, lover, and most importantly, close friend and confidant I can be for her. I don't plan on giving up on her, and I pray that she still doesn't want me to.

"I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself."

? - Walter Anderson