EH! BITCHES.

IGINLA TO CROSBY, HE SCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!! That game was un-fucking-believeable. Full of tension, joy, heartbreak, and elation and relief! God, I'm still freaking out.

”Call them pros, call them mercenaries -- but in fact they are just grown-up kids who have learned on the frozen creek or flooded corner lot that hockey is the greatest thrill of all." - Lester Patrick

It all comes down to today. One game. 60 more minutes of passion to achieve glory. Today, at 1:15PM Mountain Standard time, our Canadian men go for gold in Olympic hockey against the USA. Its gut check time boys. Let's do this! Bring us fans and lovers of this little game to our feet, and revel in the cheers heard across the country! GO CANADA GO!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1GBuVy7Jf4

"A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are." - Chauncey Mitchell Depew

So, I've been having spotty service with where I've been working. Sometimes I have 1 or 2 bars, others, just a big x. Lol. When I do have service, and I'm not run off my feet busy, I jump on twitter or check out the growing list of unread Blog updates. I was pretty cited to see that b was headed to realm tonight! I was very surprised at my own physical reaction to her tweet regarding picking up a boy! I actually got VERY aroused at the thought! I wonder if some lucky boy is gonna get his cock sucked the way I used to.....;) not to mention the serious hard bare assed spanking I'm sure she has earned herself by now!

I tried calling her the other day, but, like I said, spotty service. She tried to call me back, but, alas, I was already in the "twilight zone." *insert creepy music here*

I've had an unexpected side effect to this whole "hitting the reset button on the Nintendo of life" thing. I'm a fucking walking hard on. Lmao. Every time I have a spare moment I'm "adjusting" my package! Wtf? The little guy needs some serious attention!

Anyway, ttfn....

"You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!" - Matt Damon (Good Will Hunting)

"Our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

Work is my horrible necessity. As much as I despise my current job, as you've all read, and re read, I'm sure, I cannot just quit. :( what a fantasy that would be. To walk in to work one day and just flip the bird to the management saying on my way out the door, "goodbye, and good riddance bitches!"

But like everyone else, there are bills to pay, and responsibilities to meet. I just spent nearly a week stuck in the bush with no contact with the outside world. As maddening as it can be, this situation has again steeled my resolve to get the FUCK out of this industry!

I should be able to send out some more resumes later today, and hopefully I get a call back from somewhere I will actually look forward to waking up in the morning, to be a difference maker.

Looking forward to catching the hockey game tonight! Be it on TV or radio, go team Canada! Let's show those Russians who's game they're playing!

"My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell."

- Kevin Spacey (American Beauty)

"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes, a farewell is necessary before you can meet again and meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.”

So, I've finally realized pining for her is an unhealthy path for me to go down. I care for her, she knows that. And although it will hurt for a while for both of us, life will go on. I have made my decision and nothing will change it for me. I hope she will accept my choice and respect that this is what I need right now.

Friends are a beautiful thing. And I hope she's ok with that.

"Hope keeps you focused on the future, and this continued focus perpetuates your denial of the Now and therefore your unhappiness."

I got drunk last night, and had a moment of weakness. I sent her a message, and expressed my need for her. As bad as it hurts, I cannot let her keep getting her hopes up that we will be together. I am going to call her soon, in my drunken state last night, i forgot to plug in my phone, so its charging right now.

Still constant in the back of my throat is that choking ache you feel right before you cry. Its been a painful reminder of my hurt. I am working on changing my place in life, and i have a feeling, this hurt will not be the last. I may be forced with some difficult choices in the near future, and I hope I have the personal strength to make the right ones.

"As long as I fear my weakness, I am stronger than when I trust my strength."

- IVAN PANIN

"The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves." - SOPHOCLES, Oedipus Rex

I've been so busy at work today to even think of picking up the phone. I got a good morning text from her, and as badly as I wanted to reply, I decided it might be better if i didn't. Maybe if Im not as visible a part of her life it will be easier for her to say goodbye to me. I cannot describe how desperate I am to call her. My love for her still feels as strong as ever. How can I let it go? How can such a giant part of my life be pushed away? I feel like if the love i have for her is let go, I will be left an empty shell. I can't write through tears anymore. Maybe I'll post another time.

"How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads, to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams."

- BRAM STOKER

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more."

I do not believe I've ever been faced with a situation as difficult to deal with, as the cold, dark future I'm faced with right now.

I try with all my might to put on a smile, an apathy I try to put out into the world instead of the despair. I am on the edge of breakdown with every passing moment. I can feel my energy, hope, and ambition being sucked from my lungs by the vacuum of life. I hear her voice and cry out in my mind. I feel like every syllable she speaks drives the hurt I feel to new levels. Its so hard. Desperate to touch her, to tell her I take it back, to leave behind the life I know, to run from the dark places in my life to the warmth and light of her arms. But I cannot. To grow, to become the man I want to be, I have to fix what's broken in my life. I must clear out the darkness with my own light first. So that I can accept the love of those willing to give it. I hurt inside so much, and I must heal this before I can be the man I need to be.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions."

I know the road ahead is going to be long and difficult to travel. But hopefully with the end of the journey, I emerge from the other side a better person.

"A glooming peace this morning with it brings. The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head."

How do I start a post like this. I love her. So much that I feel like my heart has exploded in my chest from the agony of what I did yesterday. Its as though I've woken up in the middle of the night, only to find, the nightmare lives on, taking over every part of life.

I wanted to tell her so badly, to stop me from making this mistake! Stop me from destroying the amazing thing we've begun to create.

But it is not the time in my life for love to grow. For now, all I need is a hole to crawl in, and hide away. I feel so terrible that I cannot handle being with her. I'm sorry I hurt you little one. I'm sorry I'm not going to be the one for you. I'm sorry I've ruined everything to try and cope with and change my shitty life.

Find someone. Find someone who can give you what I never could. Grow. Live. And most of all, be happy.

"When he shall die take him and cut him out in little stars he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with the night...."

So, its been WAAAY too long since I've posted. I've had a really rough couple of weeks. I've become so fed up with my job that I'm currently looking for something new, and it feels like every day that I work, is an eternity.

Without anything to fall back on, I'm stuck working here till something better makes its way to my life. Being stuck doing this work has put a strain on other aspects of my life as well. Not being able to see my little girl is hard enough, but being in places with no cell service, being run off my feet busy, and collapsing from exhaustion when I get home without even eating or showering some days makes it really REALLY difficult to even call her! She thinks that it was the post she put up on valentines day that put doubts in my mind as to the viability of our relationship. However for the last few weeks I've come to the realization that I need to reassess my place in life, and also my place in the lives of others, including hers. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that if our relationship's success was based solely on the level at which we cared for each other, we'd probably last forever! However, I'm trying to be honest with myself, and I can't help but see that as hard as we are both going to try to make things work, I do see it not lasting.

God this is so unbelievably difficult to write, and I'm trying as hard as I can to not break down into uncontrollable sobbing, I already know stopping the tears from rolling down my cheeks is an exercise in futilely.

Now, if she decides that she wants to keep trying to make this work, I am more than willing. But, I cannot continue lying to myself or her that I believe its going to work. As badly as I want it to, will not make it so. I see a sunset to our time together on the horizon, and I hope she realizes I will continue to love her, even if things end.

I have tried to tell her how hard this is on me, and that I feel this way, but its just been too difficult to spit it out. I am not going to post this just yet, as I want her to hear my feelings from me, not from a Blog post.

"Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there."

- sarah dessen

P.s. I did call her, but the words won't come out. So I'm gonna press send and just get it over with.

Because the night, belongs to us.

Well, hello there insomniacs and night owls. And peeps on the other side of the big blue sea. Its 3am here, and I all I want is to talk to my little girl. :( I am stuck on night shift, well, sorta... I an supposed to be sleeping to get myself back to "day mode" so I can go out to work during the day tomorrow. But my body isn't cooperating. I can't get to sleep. I keep thinking about picking up the phone to call my little girl, but, I know she has to be up early for work. Sigh....

I absolutely ADORED her Blog updates! She kept some of the naughty texts I sent her, and a couple of my sappy ones, and posted em tonight! It was fun to read em and be reminded of those feelings and thoughts.

Well, always keep em wanting more, they say!!

J

P.S. Is staying up past your bed time a spankable offense? If so, I may be headed the right way for a smacked bottom! ;)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

So, I have been neglecting to post lately. I guess I'm just worn out and tired of being away from home. I miss my lil girl, and it seems like its getting harder and harder to get happy. I had a nice talk with her last night, we both got to play and cum! Yay! And after, I worked on my resumé with her. My little one is a wealth of knowledge and advice when it comes to resumé writing! She helped me SO much! I am STILL in stupid Saskatchewan and hopefully, if everything goes as planned, I'll get to leave tonight. But, as Mr. Murphy usually has a hand in things, I'm not getting my hopes up.

As much as I wanna keep writing and try and inject some life into this stagnant Blog, I gotta run. Will try and do a REAL post later tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for sticking with me ya'll!

J

O mischief, Thou art swift to enter in the thoughts, of desperate men.

So, I told my lil girl I'd be posting today, and she wants everyone to know that not only is she ever so awesome, but super sexy too! Lol her words! I cannot believe how sleepy I am, just finished night shift. In a zombie like stupor. Will write more this afternoon, but for you readers, no time will pass! Just keep reading! Lol

So, awake now. I had a HORRIBLE sleep. Kept getting woken up by hotel staff. At least I got to have a couple coffee's, and hopefully I get to leave a little early in the mornin.

I got to have a good chat with my little girl the other night regarding our situation. I was afraid to talk to her about it, because it was an unhappy subject. But now, I'm really glad we talked. I miss her :(

Well, I guess that's it... Lol, short but sweet eh?

Hmm, question for my readers, anything you'd like to know? Or see? Or anything in particular you'd like me to post about? I'd love to hear any criticism or remarks....

J

Lazy or just unmotivated...

So, I have to be in eastern Saskatchewan before tomorrow night. The drive is about 9 hours. I was going to just say screw it and drive at least some of the way tonight. But I'm feeling just a bit too lazy to hit the road right now. The rest of the crew is leaving tomorrow morning, and they shouldn't need me out there till about 5 or 6 hours after they get there. So technically I could just leave like 4 hours after them and get there on time... Sigh, the problem is that, once I get there, I have no idea how long I'll be stuck there... Could be a LONG night.

I think I've decided to just leave early in the morning. That way I'll try and get to bed early, and get a good nights sleep, and just drive out tomorrow. Its gonna be a lot of driving in one day, and its gonna suck, but its better than driving through the night and being sleepy tomorrow...

I was thinking about making a stop in Calgary to see my little one...and I would have suffered through being tired tomorrow, but she is being a cute lil school girl tonight, and won't be done class till 9. So no dice...

I miss her so much. It hurts inside to know how if I was there just a little more often, she'd smile more. She has such an incredible glow in her smile. *sappy grins* I lufs her!

Well, should try an get ta sleep...

Later all!

J

Nothingman...

"Once divided...nothing left to subtract...
Some words when spoken...can't be taken back...
Walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking...
Future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking...
Caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go"

- Pearl Jam "Nothingman"

So, AT LAST, in back in civilization! I was stuck in the middle of butt fuck nowhere for like 6 days. No internet, no cell service, no technology. Stuck in camp with like 75 other guys, with no way to talk to my little girl was so unbelievably frustrating!

I have so much to tell ya'll about! Last Thursday was INCREDIBLE! Got to town super early in the morning and met lil b for breakfast. We putzed around town and chatted, bought some stuff, by stuff I mean, an 8' length of 3/8ths lexan rod cut into a 4', 3', and 1' sections! Some clips, some chopsticks and rubber bands, a bunch of carpet tacks and a hot glue gun to make a tack bra for lil b, etc...

We went to the hotel we had reservations at, and were promptly turned away. Apparently, our credit card was not their style.. Whateves. We ended up at an AMAZING hotel instead! Never stayin anywhere else!

I had lil b unbutton her pants, and I laid her over a pillow on the soft king sized bed. I scolded her for not following her instructions, and decided to give her a chance at avoiding the rest of her punishment. If she took the belt strapping she had coming well, she would only have corner time and it would be done. She of course said she would do her best. I tugged her cute little panties down, and stood up. I took off my shirt, and I unbuckled my well worn brown leather belt. Its smooth and very supple, and it packs a punch let me tell ya! Its silver clasp jingled as I adjusted the length to strap my little girl's naughty bum. I brought the belt down hard, and for five minutes, my little girl was taught a hard lesson about following instructions. After, she was placed, still teary in the corner to think about her behavior, and I showered. When I got out, and saw she had stayed right where I had put her, I hugged her close. She was all done. We chatted for a while, and soon after, I asked her if I could take the punishment I had earned.

She laid me down on the bed, and sat on my legs. I gripped a pillow tight (thank you padme for the advice!) and I took close to 4 minutes with her hand and the wooden spoon. I didn't cry, but I was close a few times.

Now, it all kinda became a blur of incredible fun after that. We dumped out my toy bag, and brought out the toys she had brought, and over the night (not necessarily in this order) we went for a couple beers and dinner, bought wine, started the tack bra, I tried out some of the clips, and tried the rubber bands with the chopsticks, and we were like two kids in a candy shop with the toys! We both took a few swats with each toy and we were switching positions with every one, taking swats and describing how they felt! It was SOOO fun!! I was REALLY surprised at one! The home made flogger she made! I've never played with a flogger before, and I found the sensation INCREDIBLE! All in all, I don't think I've ever had so much fun in a hotel room before! We cuddled, and fell asleep early. Amazing night.

Check out her Blog for a little more about the 1' chunk of Lexan, it was a toy that had us both giggling all day!

The next morning I drove her to work, and headed to work myself. I ended up getting sent into the middle of butt fuck nowhere, ZERO cell service, hence the lack of blogging or tweeting this past week. You don't realize how much you rely on technology till its gone! Well, I'm headed back to Sask now, and hopefully, I have decent enough reception to keep ya'll updated!

Ta ta for now!

J